Be a Non-Conformist

 

What does it mean to be Young & In Charge?

“Young & In Charge”? I wouldn’t use those words to describe twenty-year-old me. By the time I started my first job after college, I had never really been in charge of anything. I had never done dishes (because they weren’t done to my mom’s standards), was never allowed to shop or cook (because I’d “make a mess in the kitchen”), never took care of a pet (because they were “dirty”...or so my mother said), never driven on the highway (because I would “surely have an accident”) and I didn’t manage my own money (because my Christmas money was to go toward a set of encyclopedias that I didn’t want). I didn’t even have a little brother or sister to boss around.

It was with a total lack of self-worth and confidence in my ability to take charge (of anything!) that I marched off to my first adult job at a biotech consulting firm. I was tasked with (in charge of) talking to doctors about new drugs. Prior to interviewing them, I made sure everything was on script by asking an excessive number of questions...not because I was a particularly conscientious employee, but because I was afraid I’d f*ck things up, disrupt the status quo and get in trouble. Which was no surprise, given how I’d lived my first twenty-two years.

Without ever being taught how to make my own decisions (or given the freedom to do so), I felt a crippling lack of confidence in making my way through the world. Screwing up, stumbling or struggling to find my way were not feasible outcomes, based on the expectations I had always known.

My story is painfully similar to those of many other Asian Americans. I became an excellent student on all fronts – excelling not only with straight A’s, but also in completing all assignments given to me.  By the age of twenty-one, I had perfected the art of taking orders. Everything from my high school extracurricular activities to college majors and meal plans had been given to me. My only true responsibility was to do my homework everyday. And not rock the boat, by fiercely maintain the status quo (everything my parents expected and desired for me.)

My independence was limited and my responsibilities few...and I had not yet been given the chance to learn who I was.  So was it any wonder, when suddenly we are given immense freedom, we face decision paralysis. Never having been empowered with the ability to be in charge of our choices, something so simple as looking at an entire aisle of jeans and deciding on one to buy becomes overwhelming. After all, everything prior had been directed or fed to us, with the exception of selecting from multiple choice answers for the mother of all tests, the SAT.

My parents taught me to save everything – money from the red envelopes,  kept for “some day” in the distant future. It seems I began to apply the same to my decision-making and leadership potential, keeping it tucked away out of fear of what might occur if I stepped out and used it in the world today.  

We are so afraid to make decisions that we don’t make them at all.

It is up to us to give ourselves permission to take charge of our choices and design our lives. Without such permission, the mounting decisions of our adult lives can become debilitating. For example, we get our first paycheck and feel the euphoric freedom of having spending money, only to be met with crippling doubt as to how best to spend it. And our decisions do not get easier from there.

We are afraid to make decisions because we were trained to not cause trouble by upsetting the status quo.  By voicing our independent thoughts.

Trouble had many definitions: asking to attend sleepovers (when I should have been doing my homework), asking to major in music (no, but you must play piano well), suggesting an alternate career path than a physician (do we dare ask?)  Trouble was also closely associated with one word: “No!”

While speaking at the annual NAAAP conference, I asked the attendees whether they had received more No’s or Yes’s when asking for permission to do something as a child. A resounding “NO!” filled the room.

“No” keeps us captive in the status quo, which for most of us is a place where we keep ourselves restricted from exploring and living our leadership potential.

That was then and this is now. Two careers, 4 children, a divorce and Stage 2 breast cancer later, I still know how to save, though I’m much more willing to step out of the status quo and take charge of creating change in my life. I’m willing to take chances and rock the boat. I’ve learned how to call the shots, deciding not to become the doctor my parents wanted me to be, leaving a career in Silicon Valley to pursue an entrepreneurial venture that make my heart sing, and most of all, making the choices that lead to my happiness and that of those I care for every day.  And most importantly, I actively tell the “NOs” in my head they are but echos of the past.

What does it mean to be “Young & In Charge”? It took me an extra twenty years to figure that one out and I hope to save you the years of added heartache. What it means to me is no longer letting others make all my decisions for me, and trusting myself and my choices. It means seeing the leadership potential within myself and letting that emerge each and every day.

Taking charge of our lives is a journey. Decide today to begin that journey. You won’t look back with regret.

How much freedom are you currently giving yourself to take charge and live your leadership potential?

Here is a quick self assessment:

How much say did you have in your childhood to pick your extracurricular activities?

Did you get a chance to pursue things that looked interesting to you?

Did you choose your friends or did they choose you?

Did you get to pick your own classes in high school?

Did you get to choose which colleges you applied to?

Did you get to choose your major in college?

Did you have your own bank account and choose how to spend your money?

Did you choose what to do with your summer vacations?

If you answered yes, to the majority of these, you have not been given much opportunity to be “young and in charge”...though, you get to make the choice to shift the tides today and take charge in creating your life and career design.

How can you grow into living more of your leadership potential?

Living your leadership potential means you are in the driver’s seat, confidently able to make the choices you need to grow. We will never realize our full potential by living someone else’s rules for our life. It takes great courage to step beyond the cultural or familial (familiar) norms that have been imposed on us, though if I can do it, so can you.

Let me help you by sharing what I have learned for myself, so that you can regain the power that you’ve unknowingly given away and begin being leaders who are living true to your full potential.

The first step is to take an hour for yourself and answer the questions below. These questions (those I use with clients when we first work together) will be worth more to you than getting that MBA. Educating ourselves about ourselves allows us to better understand how we function in the world and how we can support others.

To know thyself is the beginning of power. To be in charge, you need to know, understand, and LIKE YOURSELF. Not only will these questions help you learn to take charge of your career and life design, you will live happier each day because you know more about who you are.

Who Am I? (Give yourself 10 seconds to decide on an answer.  Grab a notebook and write down your answers.  Don’t overthink!)

• Movies: What kind of movies do you like best?
• Books: What kind of books are your favorites?
• Jewelry: What is your style of jewelry?
• Fashion: What is your style of clothing?
• Cars: If you could buy whatever cars you wanted, which two would you choose?
• Architecture and house style: What kind of architecture do you like?
• Vacation: What is your ideal vacation?
• Sports to play: If you play sports, which do you enjoy most?
• Sports to watch: If you watch sports, what is your favorite?
• Color: What is your favorite color for wearing and decorating?
• Fabrics: What is your favorite fabric for wearing and decorating?Flowers: your favorite flowers
• Conversation: your favorite kind of conversation; about what and with whom?
• Furniture: What are your favorite kinds of furniture?
• Gemstone: What is your favorite gemstone?
• Weather: What is your favorite weather?
• Geography: What is your favorite landscape?
• Season: Which of the seasons if your favorite and why?
• Music for listening: What kind of music do you like for pure listening and pleasure?
• Music for dancing? What is your favorite dance music?
• Leisure-time activity? What leisure-time activity do you like most?
• Kick-up-your-heels-fun: What activity do you love that brings you sheer joy?
• Exercise: What is your favorite kind of exercise?
• Television show: What do you like to watch on television?
• Food: What is your favorite foods to cook and eat?
• Restaurant: When you dine out, where do you most like to go?
• Shopping place: What is your favorite shopping place?

These next ones are a bit weightier.  Take up to 1 min to answer each question.

• Education: What are your beliefs and philosophy about education for yourself and your family?
• Politics: What are your political beliefs?
• Religion: What are your religious or spiritual beliefs?
• Parenting belief system: How do you want to raise your children and what are your priorities as a parent?
• Love Relationship: What are the most important things to you in a love relationship?
• Men: Who is the ideal man for you; what are his characteristics?
• Friends: What kind of friends are you attracted to?

The choice is yours: will you have your decisions made for you and defer to whoever in our lives we don’t want to upset – your spouse, your boss, your parents (if you still live with them) – or will you find it within yourself to take a chance and make decisions that take you beyond the boundaries that you have previously known? Will you live from a place of sharing your unique talents and skills and experience to add value, or will you live to say or do so what you think is required so that people like you?

Leadership is about caring for and understanding others, and we can only give to others what we already have within ourselves. If you’re going to move onto empower others to make their own choices and live their leadership potential, it begins with doing the same for yourself. After all, what you learn to do for yourself, you’ll be able to easily do for others.

I believe in your ability to take charge of your decisions and your career and life design. My hope is that someday you’ll be able to share your story of transformation and tell the world how you were truly living what it means to be Young & In Charge.