Father's Day's Blues

Maybe you had a father who encouraged you when you were a kid who took you places. And made you feel valued and wanted, who had time to spend with you? A father who understood you and knew you and would ask you questions about your life. This article is for the rest of us.

For the longest time Father's Day brought back more memories of loss and sadness and disappointment, even anger and rage more than it did warm, fuzzy, hallmark feelings. There were past Father’s Days when I would stuff dim sum down, and feel like everyone else is laughing truly with their father. And I am just faking it, trying to make it. And I want you to know that if you did not have the ideal relationship with your father as a young child, or even now. You are seen, you are heard. I get it.

I’ve spoken to 2,000-3,000 individuals of mostly Asian descent. Some of them are European immigrants. A lot of them are African-American women and men. And a good father is hard to come by. And many of us are still stumbling, crawling through life with the effects of the damaged relationship that we had growing up.

And I want you to know: you don't have to fake it and you don't have to pretend that you have warm fuzzy feelings and that you are grateful. You may not be there yet in your journey. And the reason I'm recording this video is I had an overwhelming burden and wanting to reach out to those of you who are still experiencing the effects today.

Effects of having a traumatic childhood. Many of us grew up with a Tiger Mom. She was loud. She was very controlling. She said a lot of things to us that didn't make us feel good. Why you so fat? Don’t be late! Did you take your vitamins, do your homework, all that stuff. And we had a quiet or even invisible, absent dad. And we always thought he was the good parent, right?

However, it wasn't until I was in my30s or 40s that I realized he was complicit. My mother was not an easy person to grow up with and to live with by any means. And when I finally realized that and try to tell my dad, trying to make sense of all this growing up…He sided with my mom. And I was always confused and I felt like maybe I was wrong.

Maybe I was the ungrateful child. Maybe I was the person who was wrong and. was ungrateful, unhappy and somehow depressed, anxious person by nature. And I spent many years, probably 10, 15, trying to make sense of that in my life. And I'm in my fifties now. And, uh, finally, finally, I can see that. There's a lot of trauma.

There's a lot of unhealthy behaviors in my family. There's a lot of pain and covered up emotions sometimes there was a lot of just direct meanness and, selfishness in my family. And why is this important? And why am I talking about this since I'm a career coach?

This affects your career. Did you have a dad who was absent or was super critical or had high standards that you felt was always disappointed in you? You probably are a people pleaser, work very hard, and try to find your value and  your worth and other areas of life. And for many of us who are ofAsian descent, we find that in our work – it's an addiction. Isn't it? It's a way for us to numb things out and to feel like we matter, because really in our parents' eyes, we didn't feel like we mattered. We didn't feel like we were wanted. We didn't feel seen and heard. And so many of us stay stuck in our jobs, hoping that a boss is going to recognize us, hoping that our work, our achievements will cover up for the fact that we didn't get unconditional love from our parents.

And I'm not here to diss anybody, especially not my own parents, but I'm just talking about reality, right? It's very hard in this world to feel and experience unconditional love. And so many of us grow up with gaps from our childhood and we continue (if we aren't aware) we continue to try to make up for the loss of love, the loss of connection, the loss of meaning through doing other things. And for me that “doing other things” was pleasing other people. Over committing. Over achieving in areas that I didn't even care about. Overachieving in areas that matter to other people.

But when it came to myself, I didn't know how to advocate or even know what I wanted to make my life happy. And so this day Father's Day, 2024 might be full of feelings of loss, of confusion, even of sadness.

And I want you to know 3 things.

1. You don't have to pretend, you don't have to pretend that everything's fine.

2. You don't have to feel like it's your fault. Like if I was a better child, if I knew if I had done things right, I would have been loved more. No, probably nothing to do with you.

3. You don't have to be alone. Many of us feel ungrateful for having these feelings and we don't have an outlet.

We don't have a group or even one single friend, that we've ever told this to, and we feel even selfish or guilty for having these feelings. And I want you to know that there is another side of life that you can experience. I've crossed that bridge, which is acceptance and making peace with the fact that I didn't have the best childhood and that my dad and I don't have the best relationship and it will never get better.

If you are tired of the sadness and disappointment and addictive behaviors that you have as a result of not have a great dad, you can have a better future. You will know that point when you finally change and when you cross the bridge to the other side, because you will experience joy. Which leads to new opportunities, which leads to fulfillment without having to carry the baggage of all this trauma. When you finally accept what happened to you, and leave it in your past.

You can start a new chapter. I have worked with over 300 people who didn't have the best childhood – whose fathers were outrigh cruel even, and said terrible things like “You're not a good daughter.” Even sabotaged their daughter’s lives or their son’s lives. If that's you, you can be freed today. You are freed because as adults, we don't need to still be living in the shadow of a  relationship in which we were damaged, in which we were criticized. In which we weren't valued in which we felt like we didn't matter. That is the shadow of living under a parental relationship where things were not ideal.

And I did that for about 46, 47 years. And the way I finally got to the other side – I let my dad go. I let him be him. I stopped trying to fix him. I stopped trying to tell him and show him how his life could be better. I stopped trying to explain to him why he was tolerating he was tolerating unhealthy behaviors.

And I stopped trying to get validation from him. For instance, one of the things that we have in common is we love music. He would sing karaoke and he actually participated in  musical theater when we were growing up and that's one connection I have with him. I, at one point still wanted to get his approval. And I remember sending a bunch of songs that I sang - I've been taking voice lessons and was proud of myself. And I was sending him a couple of songs and sometimes he would say, great job. Half of the time he would say, oh, this song didn't sound too good. This one was much better. And I don't want criticism. I don't want that. And so I no longer, send him notes and messages where I'm hoping for some kind of validation.

And I feel more free today because I validate myself.  I'm going to be going for a hike later on today with my dog. I'm going to go to the ocean. I'm going to enjoy my day without reliving the past and beating myself up or feeling guilty. That I don't have a hallmark Father's Day event every year. It's okay. And I want you to know that if you need someone or want a community or to be rid of this burden, this feeling of guilt or inadequacy. Or people pleasing that you've developed as a result of this fulfilling father–child relationship, you absolutely can do that. I have a formula that can help you. To relieve that burden and to help you get out of depression, anxiety, and addictive behavior related to that.

Because I've worked on this for many, many years, over 10 years now, and I've been helping other people. So please do not hesitate to reach out to me.

Let me know about your story. You can email me. jeanny@bamboomyth.com And I’d love to be of support to you on this day because you don't have to be alone. Take care and look forward to hearing from you.